The World is Spinning Faster! I WANT OFF!

I feel the time for my 12 months in CS slipping away. I've got enough time to get it done and graduate, but haven't been able to make myself sit down and do reports.

I'm sure a lot of the pressure I'm feeling is just me being me. I don't know though. My mom is acting like she's throwing in the towel on getting healthy again. She was diagnosed with aortic valve stenosis, which is supposed to be as big around as your thumb. Hers is half the diameter of a pencil. She was scheduled to have valve replacement on the 17th, which we were all set for and then the weekend before her surgery, the surgeon said that he needed her to get clearance from a dentist.

After searching for a dentist, we went and got an exam and x-rays. The result? She had to go to an endodontist for 2 root canals. The first one we've already gotten out of the way, but the second one is scheduled for the 8th of next month. Between the 2 root canals, we had to come up with almost $3,000. That meant returning a laptop and a lift chair and still wiped out her savings.

We were applying with the county for help to pay for her surgery and it's not going to happen within their time frame of qualification. Since financing is now smoke in the air, she's given up on everything.

She was trying to eat better and lose some weight, but now she just sits and eats and eats. Butter, grease, chips, chocolate. It doesn't seem to matter to her at all. Almost like she's trying to push her heart so much that she has a heart attack and they have to do surgery because it's an emergency. It's either that or she's trying to make it so that she dies faster. I just don't friggin' know. So frustrated with her, but unless she's bedridden she's fully capable of getting whatever she wants out of the cupboards or fridge.

What happy thoughts I'm having today. :(

I so want to be happy-go-lucky and just be normal. Just doesn't look like that's going to happen today.

I, however, do want to say that I am doing well with my diet. In 6 weeks I've lost 22 pounds and 22 inches. I've been swimming 4-5 times a week, doing water aerobics, cardio videos, Hip Hop Abs, and have added walking to my workouts. The diet seems like the only thing I've got control over. Maybe all the exercise will become part of my life for the rest of my life. I sure hope so.

Being fat is no fun at all! Always out of breath. Unable to look at myself and feel beautiful. I mean for goodness sake, I'm not getting younger! I don't know what other people see when they look at me, but what I see is not something I want to live with anymore. I look at my mom and aunts and see a future 20 years from now that I just see myself in too easily. I guess that's why I'm working so hard on myself.

I just hope my mom will see me succeeding and feel guilty for letting her emotions put her in such a position. I'm eating healthy. She sees that it's working and just turns around and shovels in more Doritos. I don't understand her at all. I want to help her. I know that even without exercise we could get a lot of her weight under control with just changing her diet, but she has not once said that she wants to join me. I think I've cooked one meal for her in the last 6 weeks and she complained about it. After that, I couldn't bring myself to cook for her. She usually doesn't complain about how her food tastes, so it just made me feel like dirt.

Any way that I look at things right now, I just feel like I'm not doing enough or everything I'm capable of. I know that I've only got so much time to do everything that needs done, and I still put some things, like reports, off until I run out of time. It's just dumb. I know I can do better!

An update on LIFE

Wow! I can't believe I went so long without posting anything here. Other than getting a short way into AAC and having life kind of step in and change my plans, there really hasn't been a whole lot happening for me with the course. Well there was something to do with the school, but I'm not allowed to say. LOL Nothing bad, it would just be spoilers. I can say though, the Career Step school continues to grow and change and continues to really care about the students and the quality of their education. We're fortunate that we've become involved with this school at this time. It's exciting.

The life that's been getting in the way is partly me and partly my mom. She's been to a cardiologist since my last post. He sent her to a surgeon. They did some procedures and evaluated her heart. She's scheduled for open heart surgery on the 17th of February, with pre-op procedures on the 16th. If all goes well, she'll have a new aortic valve and be in the hospital for 5 days. After that, it's home and learning how to handle the limitations that come with having such an invasive procedure. The predicted recovery time? A year! Not for the heart. The year is how long it takes for the sternum to heal and become strong enough to handle the movements and activities the rest of us take for granted.

Why is it that we never really think about our bodies until they fail to do what we need them to?

I talked in a previous post about my weight loss program. It's the 6 Week Body Makeover. I started on the 8th of January. So that's... let's see... 3 weeks and a couple days. As of this moment I am down....

wait for it....

wait for it....

20 pounds! Not only am I 20 pounds lighter I'm over 24 inches smaller. There's 13 measurements that I take weekly, plus the weight. The measurements include neck, shoulders, chest, waist, hips, each arm biceps and forearms, and each leg thighs and calves.

I'm eating all sorts of great food every day. Some of it doesn't taste good. Some of it's awesome! All of it is helping me toward my goal.

I told Mom the other that all the exercise and weight loss is so that I can be stronger for me, but also for her. She's going to need more help, more things done for her that she is used to doing for herself. I am the person who is here. I NEED to be able to do it. She's not a small lady, even if she does have short legs that barely reach the floor in most chairs. Stronger me equals fewer injuries, more energy, and the capability to get whatever needs to be done DONE!

I've been swimming 5-6 days a week. I've done a couple days of low-impact aerobics, but I don't enjoy my family as an audience. At least at the pool, I'm underwater and no one can see my rolls bounce. LOL I did order the Hip Hop Abs videos though. I don't feel like my stomach and core muscles are getting what they need from the pool and the toning that I've been doing. I literally can't lay down on the floor and do crunches. My back rebels every time I try. Then, for 3 or 4 days, I'm hurting so much as to be almost useless.

I need to pick up a pair of good walking shoes so that I can start spending some time walking too.

Anyway, I will be back to update things again. Thanks for hanging in here with me!

First Week Drama

It's been a crazy week. So I guess I'll tell you about it! LOL

I finished BAC, started 6 Week Body Makeover, started with the college choir for the new semester, got a nasty cold, and started AAC. Hmm. Doesn't sound like much.

My cold is now in retreat, but for several days, it felt like the weight of a geiser getting set to go off inside my head. I'm so grateful we live in the age of cold medicine. We may not be able to "get rid" of a cold, but we can sure treat the symptoms!

Boring you with BAC isn't necessary because I already did that! Hehehe! Today, my cold finally allowed me to hear and concentrate well enough that I started on Advanced Acute Care reports. Just the instructions for unit A was an eye opener! So many details and instructions to remember and incorporate. I just hope that I can remember them all and do them right.

During the time that my cold was in high gear, I kept up with the forum and tried to maintain an upbeat and encouraging demeanor. I think I succeeded for the most part, even as I sneezed and coughed my way through the posts. Thank God my sense of humor remained intact!

Then, I added the forum for the 6 Week Body Makeover. That was an exercise in frustration to start with. They were having technical difficulties I didn't know about. After several days, I'm becoming familiar with it and getting to know the people there. I love wandering around the threads. I feel like an eavesdropper right now though because I'm not posting very often. I am getting to know everyone and where everything is.

I am learning a lot from the comments and advice given by others on the forum. That's what it's there for, and the encouragement I've received has already made me feel welcome. I'm learning about food and what portions and combinations make the best results when trying to lose.

Let's just say that eating 5 to 6 times a day is NOT easy. That breaks down to a small meal of, for me, carb and protein every 2-1/2 to 3 hours. Preparing meals in advance becomes pretty crucial in making sure that the 3 hour window isn't exceeded. I'm used to eating carbs. I mean bread, cereal, snack food. It's all carbs. Eating only a couple times a day is what I'm used to. This is a HUGE change for me.

I'm a lazy chef. Pull it from the cupboard, throw it in the microwave, and I'm a happy girl 1-1/2 minutes later. Not anymore! Without having pre-made meals ready, I figured out that I'm spending close to 3 hours just making all the meals I'm supposed to eat. No thanks! Cook it, freeze it, nuke it, eat it!

I also started swimming laps and toning exercises this week. Also not so much fun when your head wants to burst, but I did it. I only went to the pool once because I didn't want to get anyone there sick. It seems that 90% of the people that show up for "exercise" at the pool are of the blue-rinse brigade. I've got no problem mingling with geriatrics. I do have an issue with sending them to the hospital with pneumonia! Now wasn't that kind of me?

The recommended exercise for the program is walking with a target heart rate being maintained for 60 minutes. I'm nowhere near a point where my joints will tolerate the pounding this would entail. Nor do my lungs appreciate the extra effort. However, I am going to use the pool to swim laps. I had fun doing so and am ready to return with all engines burning! I've also picked up a couple of LOW impact aerobics DVDs to help me at home if I can't get to the pool. Walking will happen after I get some of this weight off. I do not plan on hurting myself. I'm a wimp and tend to just lie around the house moaning and complaining when injured. Nope, not happening!

Every weight loss plan out there pushes water. This one actually tells you why. It's not just that your muscles and cells are made up of water and function better when hydrated. Nope, that's not it. When you starve your cells of its nutrients they grab hold and RETAIN them for as long as they can. That's why people talk about water retention and weight gain. If you're NOT eating good food and drinking a lot of water then your cells become convinced they're in starvation mode and won't let go of them. When you feed them often and hydrate them well, the cells just sigh and think they've hit the jackpot!

Water also is how waste is eliminated. Duh! Right? Well, your kidneys function to remove the waste produced through metabolizing food. If your kidneys aren't flushing regularly then the liver has to take over the work, putting strain on both and setting yourself up for all sorts of unpleasant aches and illness and infections. I'm drinking over 100 ounces of water a day. Six 8 ounce glasses? Puhleeze! Needless to say, the bathroom and I are getting more acquainted, but they keep telling me this too will pass. Is that a pun?

Anyway, I'm already down 10 pounds and 10-1/2 inches. I have more energy and my left kidney no longer hurts. All this while dealing with a cold. I'm liking where this is headed!

To add a little icing to my cake, so to speak, I also started back with LCSC Concert Choir. It's a college-based choir where the community is welcome to come and rehearse and be part of everything. It's semester oriented so all breaks coincide with the school. I was part of it last semester and really enjoyed getting to know people while singing. The choir meets for 2 hours on Tuesday evenings. We met last Tuesday, were given 8 songs and told 4 of them were being performed THIS Monday. No, that's not a typo! Four songs in a week, with a performance. Outside performance no less. There were quite a few questions to the director, asking if he was serious, crazy, or just plain deluded. None the less, tomorrow we perform in front of people after practicing 4 songs a total of 2 hours.

Now I KNOW I'm an optimist! LOL

Frustrated and Starting AAC

I finished BAC yesterday. Thank goodness I did. That cold hit really hard. Concentrating today is so hard as to be almost impossible. Went to the store and bought out the cold medicine aisle. Hopefully, keeping the symptoms under control will allow me to at least work on reports through my cold.

I haven't started AAC (Advanced Acute Care). I thought that if I started it before I got the cold under control, I would make more of a hash of it than I normally do.

I think I got lazy through the course. Having the comparison available at the click of the "submit" button just made it too easy to not do the research necessary to go through the reports. I'm not sure if I'm learning or just repeating the comparison information and calling it good. It's very uncomfortable to me knowing that I have a lazy learning habit. How can I really learn if I can't hear the word though?

Okay, here's an example. Dr. Mushmouth dictates several medications. They're only slightly mangled. I can research and get Google to give me the med. Go to a drug site, look up the med, and voila! I've got a medication, how it's spelled, and correct dosage information. Repeat the process on each of the medications listed and I've got a coherent and correct list that I can proudly include in the report.

Then, Dr. MushmouthspeedtalkerESL moves in. Clarity stinks, there's no information in what he just dictated that I can work with. A list of normal, everyday medications turns into a list of flags with the occasionally correct dosage attached. I know I'm supposed to take the dosage and complaint or diagnosis and research what I think I hear. Then, cross reference that with the meds until I come up with the correct one. Trouble is, half the time the correct one turns out to be so far wrong that I want to hit something. The rest of the time the information that would help me research well is so well and truly mangled that the whole report is nothing but mishears, flags, and sentences that make absolutely no sense.

With reports like this, is it any wonder that I would rather hit the button and just move it along. Each file takes time to get through, each report has it's challenges. Do we really need so many of the mushmouth dictators with no information inside the file to actually research to a correct answer? I know these reports teach us something. I know that we have to learn that these dictations are out there. But how do you research for something that's just not there? 

I think these reports are the most frustrating and time-wasting exercises in futility. I think that if there was a more equal representation of these reports and reports that we need to just research for accuracy's sake, I would be through this course by now. Probably, through the course with a much higher level of confidence in my skills.

I trust the process. I know it works. There are too many people out there who've graduated, gotten good jobs, and still love the career to not believe that it will work for me as well. That doesn't mean I'm not entirely frustrated with my researching or lack thereof. I still can't hear too many things in these dictations to get a grasp on where to research for a correct answer.

I'm sure that in time, I will get a handle on researching the impossible. At that point, I'll feel like I've got the world in my hands! Until then... Just keep soldiering on!

Good News!

I found out yesterday afternoon that I will be reinstated on Social Security Disability! After months and months and months of waiting this is huge news! I was so scared for so long that we'd be trying to all live off my mom's Social Security. That's a joke for 1 person, but 4? Ridiculous!

I started swimming yesterday as well. We'll see how that goes. I wasn't expecting my neck to be an issue with this, but it seems that holding my head up for the breast stroke is a bad thing. Either that or I'm finally getting the headache people talk about from food withdrawal. Caffeine, sugar, and salt. All gone. I'd say that qualifies as being withdrawal worthy!

I am so close to finishing BAC I can taste it! 98% as of yesterday. Only a few more pages to go! This week is somewhat iffy as to what I can accomplish though. There's a lot of food prep that I had to do for my diet. I'm glad I did it, but need to figure out and stick to a routine. I've never been much of a routine kind of person, so that's kind of hard. This week is also iffy because I have to take mom to her appointment, then she's got another one out of town. It's going to be strange not having her here with me and I really don't know how I will react.

My goal though is to finish the last of these reports tonight and tomorrow.

I feel like if I could get my sleep under control I could set up some kind of workable schedule to get everything accomplished. This is very frustrating. The sleep medication makes me sleep too late the next day, but when I don't take it, I'm up all night. This is so not working!

Think, Think, Think! There's a way to make this work, there is. I've got to figure it out.

Kind of Off Topic - Do I really have a topic? Sometimes.



This is my when-I-was-working-and-not-sitting-all-day picture!



Being overweight for a lifetime trained me to be a lot camera shy. There aren't a lot of pictures I would even consider sharing.

Now, for the scary one.

Last night's photoshoot

This was taken just last night. No, I'm not "sticking out my gut." It really looks like that!

It's not as if I thought I was getting bigger. It's not like my eating changed. My clothes fit a little tighter. I didn't have much energy. I don't even weigh a "lot" more than I used to. But... the picture isn't lieing to me. I used to have a shape. Now I've got too much shape!

 I stopped moving.

 My stomach expanded like I'd put a couple watermelons in it. This is so depressing. But, it's also motivating.

It's time, and past time, to make a for real change. If this happened to me, I can just imagine what happens to many people who get involved in Medical Transcription training and Working from Home.  Please forgive me for the candid photos. They're very difficult for me to look at too.

I can clean up better, as evidenced by my profile photos. I can look nice in dressup-type clothes. I just thought that I wanted to be as honest and unartificial as possible for the pre-diet picture.

What I'm going to be adding to my posts are occasional statements of weight lost, inches lost, how I feel, whether I'm making progress or have gone backwards. For some this may hold lots of interest and for others no interest whatsoever. I just think that I need to hold myself accountable to my stated goal of being healthier, exercising, and losing this weight. I need to figure out how all this fits in with the Transcription lifestyle and the kinds of things that crop up as challenges that I never thought were going to be issues.

Start Date:  1-08-11

Weight: 220

Exercise: 15 minutes light execise band

Food: 5 meals a day. No dairy, fat, sugar, salt, red meat

Water: Lots

So far, I haven't been hungry. I'm eating every 2-3 hours. They're very small meals, but they seem to be keeping my cravings for sugar and salt at bay. I'm kind of surprised by that. I'm drinking nothing but water at the moment. Until the weight is gone, I really don't want to sabotage myself by enabling the screaming I will hear from my taste buds. So, I'm not even indulging in my caffeine habit. It's been a couple days and I don't miss it.

I'm supposed to get the Aquatic Center membership tomorrow/today. As soon as that happens I will be adding Water Aerobics and swimming laps to the exercise. The idea is to either get there very early in the morning, or get there mid-day and get my exercise in, then work on reports and keeping up with my friends online. I'm pretty sure this is going to be the really tough part for me. Getting out of bed and jumping to attention is not my idea of morning. However, I've got a goal! I'm going to do it anyway.

My goal? To be healthy and have a body I can be proud of.

Is it going to be hard? Absolutely



Hoping Next Week Can Start Bringing Better Balance

I haven't done much with my reports this past week. I think part of that is there have been so many things on my mind that are totally unrelated to the course. I think about the reports I need to be doing. For various reasons I just can't make myself stop thinking.

Today, I went to the memorial service for a very good friend of mine. She was one of those people that gathers everyone around her into "family." Not having her there anymore is going to be hard. Not just because she passed away too young and left a loving husband and 3 children behind, but also because she was so special. The church was crowded with friends and family. All with the same heartache squeezing in their chest like mine. That was one of the things that I've been thinking about.

Another thing that keeps beating on my brain like a hammer is my mother and her if/maybe/maybe not attitude about a surgery she really needs. I don't want to lose her.

I also had the evaluation from Social Security the other day. After taking an hour to ask me all sorts of questions that have been repeated over and over, I still have no idea how the evaluation went. Other than that it irritated me enormously. I was never asked about the things that were important to me. I was asked questions like "subtract 7 from 100 and keep going to 0" and "name 5 current events" and "name 5 celebrities." What the hell do those things have to do with depression? What do they have to do with why I have worked while on Disability? What does it say that I can't repeat several numbers in reverse order? What does it mean that I really don't care about any of those questions and never could do math of any kind in my head?

My kids are both sick and have been for several days. I'm very worried that they will pass these illnesses to me, or even worse, mom. I feel bad for them and want them to get better, but I feel guilty because I'm more concerned over passing it on to their grandmother. She gets sick and it could become something very serious very quickly.

There have been other things that have been concerning me. Things that I can't stop thinking about, but mostly everything just runs around and around in my head with no beginning, no middle, and no end. There are solutions to problems. I just can't see them. There are things that don't deserve the synapse firing energy. I just can't seem to make them have less weight and energy consumption.

There are a few things that I can see as positive this week though. I made a new Career Step friend. I enjoy her online company. We have a lot in common and there's potential there to have a great long-term friendship. I think making new friends is always worth it.

I also remembered that I had a weight control program that I hadn't used. I broke it open and started eating from the menu plan inside. Hopefully, this will help me with the issues of weight and energy that I have right now. It's the 6 Week Total Body Makeover. You know, the one where you blueprint your body type, figure out your goals, and then eat from specific menus for your body type. I bought it years ago, but didn't put it to real use. Between that and the swimming that I will start this next week, I think I can start getting this runaway weight gain to do a 180. I'll let you all know how it goes.

I should take some time this afternoon and work on reports. I'm just so tired and drained from the memorial service. I'll probably just take the afternoon and do some crocheting and tv watching and start over tomorrow. Just so tired.