The World is Spinning Faster! I WANT OFF!

I feel the time for my 12 months in CS slipping away. I've got enough time to get it done and graduate, but haven't been able to make myself sit down and do reports.

I'm sure a lot of the pressure I'm feeling is just me being me. I don't know though. My mom is acting like she's throwing in the towel on getting healthy again. She was diagnosed with aortic valve stenosis, which is supposed to be as big around as your thumb. Hers is half the diameter of a pencil. She was scheduled to have valve replacement on the 17th, which we were all set for and then the weekend before her surgery, the surgeon said that he needed her to get clearance from a dentist.

After searching for a dentist, we went and got an exam and x-rays. The result? She had to go to an endodontist for 2 root canals. The first one we've already gotten out of the way, but the second one is scheduled for the 8th of next month. Between the 2 root canals, we had to come up with almost $3,000. That meant returning a laptop and a lift chair and still wiped out her savings.

We were applying with the county for help to pay for her surgery and it's not going to happen within their time frame of qualification. Since financing is now smoke in the air, she's given up on everything.

She was trying to eat better and lose some weight, but now she just sits and eats and eats. Butter, grease, chips, chocolate. It doesn't seem to matter to her at all. Almost like she's trying to push her heart so much that she has a heart attack and they have to do surgery because it's an emergency. It's either that or she's trying to make it so that she dies faster. I just don't friggin' know. So frustrated with her, but unless she's bedridden she's fully capable of getting whatever she wants out of the cupboards or fridge.

What happy thoughts I'm having today. :(

I so want to be happy-go-lucky and just be normal. Just doesn't look like that's going to happen today.

I, however, do want to say that I am doing well with my diet. In 6 weeks I've lost 22 pounds and 22 inches. I've been swimming 4-5 times a week, doing water aerobics, cardio videos, Hip Hop Abs, and have added walking to my workouts. The diet seems like the only thing I've got control over. Maybe all the exercise will become part of my life for the rest of my life. I sure hope so.

Being fat is no fun at all! Always out of breath. Unable to look at myself and feel beautiful. I mean for goodness sake, I'm not getting younger! I don't know what other people see when they look at me, but what I see is not something I want to live with anymore. I look at my mom and aunts and see a future 20 years from now that I just see myself in too easily. I guess that's why I'm working so hard on myself.

I just hope my mom will see me succeeding and feel guilty for letting her emotions put her in such a position. I'm eating healthy. She sees that it's working and just turns around and shovels in more Doritos. I don't understand her at all. I want to help her. I know that even without exercise we could get a lot of her weight under control with just changing her diet, but she has not once said that she wants to join me. I think I've cooked one meal for her in the last 6 weeks and she complained about it. After that, I couldn't bring myself to cook for her. She usually doesn't complain about how her food tastes, so it just made me feel like dirt.

Any way that I look at things right now, I just feel like I'm not doing enough or everything I'm capable of. I know that I've only got so much time to do everything that needs done, and I still put some things, like reports, off until I run out of time. It's just dumb. I know I can do better!

An update on LIFE

Wow! I can't believe I went so long without posting anything here. Other than getting a short way into AAC and having life kind of step in and change my plans, there really hasn't been a whole lot happening for me with the course. Well there was something to do with the school, but I'm not allowed to say. LOL Nothing bad, it would just be spoilers. I can say though, the Career Step school continues to grow and change and continues to really care about the students and the quality of their education. We're fortunate that we've become involved with this school at this time. It's exciting.

The life that's been getting in the way is partly me and partly my mom. She's been to a cardiologist since my last post. He sent her to a surgeon. They did some procedures and evaluated her heart. She's scheduled for open heart surgery on the 17th of February, with pre-op procedures on the 16th. If all goes well, she'll have a new aortic valve and be in the hospital for 5 days. After that, it's home and learning how to handle the limitations that come with having such an invasive procedure. The predicted recovery time? A year! Not for the heart. The year is how long it takes for the sternum to heal and become strong enough to handle the movements and activities the rest of us take for granted.

Why is it that we never really think about our bodies until they fail to do what we need them to?

I talked in a previous post about my weight loss program. It's the 6 Week Body Makeover. I started on the 8th of January. So that's... let's see... 3 weeks and a couple days. As of this moment I am down....

wait for it....

wait for it....

20 pounds! Not only am I 20 pounds lighter I'm over 24 inches smaller. There's 13 measurements that I take weekly, plus the weight. The measurements include neck, shoulders, chest, waist, hips, each arm biceps and forearms, and each leg thighs and calves.

I'm eating all sorts of great food every day. Some of it doesn't taste good. Some of it's awesome! All of it is helping me toward my goal.

I told Mom the other that all the exercise and weight loss is so that I can be stronger for me, but also for her. She's going to need more help, more things done for her that she is used to doing for herself. I am the person who is here. I NEED to be able to do it. She's not a small lady, even if she does have short legs that barely reach the floor in most chairs. Stronger me equals fewer injuries, more energy, and the capability to get whatever needs to be done DONE!

I've been swimming 5-6 days a week. I've done a couple days of low-impact aerobics, but I don't enjoy my family as an audience. At least at the pool, I'm underwater and no one can see my rolls bounce. LOL I did order the Hip Hop Abs videos though. I don't feel like my stomach and core muscles are getting what they need from the pool and the toning that I've been doing. I literally can't lay down on the floor and do crunches. My back rebels every time I try. Then, for 3 or 4 days, I'm hurting so much as to be almost useless.

I need to pick up a pair of good walking shoes so that I can start spending some time walking too.

Anyway, I will be back to update things again. Thanks for hanging in here with me!