I feel the time for my 12 months in CS slipping away. I've got enough time to get it done and graduate, but haven't been able to make myself sit down and do reports.
I'm sure a lot of the pressure I'm feeling is just me being me. I don't know though. My mom is acting like she's throwing in the towel on getting healthy again. She was diagnosed with aortic valve stenosis, which is supposed to be as big around as your thumb. Hers is half the diameter of a pencil. She was scheduled to have valve replacement on the 17th, which we were all set for and then the weekend before her surgery, the surgeon said that he needed her to get clearance from a dentist.
After searching for a dentist, we went and got an exam and x-rays. The result? She had to go to an endodontist for 2 root canals. The first one we've already gotten out of the way, but the second one is scheduled for the 8th of next month. Between the 2 root canals, we had to come up with almost $3,000. That meant returning a laptop and a lift chair and still wiped out her savings.
We were applying with the county for help to pay for her surgery and it's not going to happen within their time frame of qualification. Since financing is now smoke in the air, she's given up on everything.
She was trying to eat better and lose some weight, but now she just sits and eats and eats. Butter, grease, chips, chocolate. It doesn't seem to matter to her at all. Almost like she's trying to push her heart so much that she has a heart attack and they have to do surgery because it's an emergency. It's either that or she's trying to make it so that she dies faster. I just don't friggin' know. So frustrated with her, but unless she's bedridden she's fully capable of getting whatever she wants out of the cupboards or fridge.
What happy thoughts I'm having today. :(
I so want to be happy-go-lucky and just be normal. Just doesn't look like that's going to happen today.
I, however, do want to say that I am doing well with my diet. In 6 weeks I've lost 22 pounds and 22 inches. I've been swimming 4-5 times a week, doing water aerobics, cardio videos, Hip Hop Abs, and have added walking to my workouts. The diet seems like the only thing I've got control over. Maybe all the exercise will become part of my life for the rest of my life. I sure hope so.
Being fat is no fun at all! Always out of breath. Unable to look at myself and feel beautiful. I mean for goodness sake, I'm not getting younger! I don't know what other people see when they look at me, but what I see is not something I want to live with anymore. I look at my mom and aunts and see a future 20 years from now that I just see myself in too easily. I guess that's why I'm working so hard on myself.
I just hope my mom will see me succeeding and feel guilty for letting her emotions put her in such a position. I'm eating healthy. She sees that it's working and just turns around and shovels in more Doritos. I don't understand her at all. I want to help her. I know that even without exercise we could get a lot of her weight under control with just changing her diet, but she has not once said that she wants to join me. I think I've cooked one meal for her in the last 6 weeks and she complained about it. After that, I couldn't bring myself to cook for her. She usually doesn't complain about how her food tastes, so it just made me feel like dirt.
Any way that I look at things right now, I just feel like I'm not doing enough or everything I'm capable of. I know that I've only got so much time to do everything that needs done, and I still put some things, like reports, off until I run out of time. It's just dumb. I know I can do better!
Hey Renae, I don't know why it took me to find your blog. It just registered in my head that hey, you have one. lol. Glad I found it though.
ReplyDeleteI think you are awesome for wanting the best for your mother. Some people would just sit there and watch it happen and thing nothing about you. You care and that's what matters! Have you mentioned anything to her about how you feel? I know this may sound odd... but have you ever thought of an intervention?
You are doing great on your weight loss! 22 pounds is great!!!! Keep up the great work!!!
** Jen **
Thanks for looking Jen! LOL It's all about laying it all out there. I was posting a lot, but it's really hard to think that anyone wants to read about the not-so-good stuff that's been happening over and over again.
ReplyDeleteWith mom being as stubborn and emotional as she is, it's really hard to confront her about anything. We've talked about my diet plan and she sees it more as something that is keeping me from enjoying food. "You've restricted your food down to nothing." That's what she told me. That's what she sees. She'll never be happy unless there's a ton of butter and salt on everything. It'll be interesting when the cardiologist tells her that she can't eat this and that and to cut out all the stuff she thinks is necessary. Not good times.
I forgot to proofread my first comment... I made a few mistakes... lol... sorry. I will proofread from now on.
ReplyDeleteIn the beginning when we started this, our father who is morbidly obese, and has heart problems and diseases due to his weight, was against us doing this plan. He told us we were not eating enough, it would not work, we are starving ourselves, etc... but as he has watched our progress over the last 7 weeks he is now 100% on board with us. He is even looking into lap band surgery.
Give her time and she may adjust to your new life style, and she may eventually come around. If not, maybe she is just not ready. As much as you want to push her and make her loose weight, if she doesn't WANT to then her heart won't be in it and it will not be a success.
I wish you all the best!